There is so much to be said about trauma that while writing this I found it hard to narrow in on exactly what I would like to say but if you’ll be patient with me, let’s see if we can make some of this all connect. 

Firstly, there is a debate happening in the mental health field. Despite what it may seem like, not every therapist is on board with using the word “trauma” to describe anything that is beyond one’s capacity to cope. I am unapologetically one of those therapists. Not everything is a trauma response. Could it be? Sure, but is it? 

I saw the other day online an advertisement saying that “procrastination IS a trauma response”. Once again, I guess it could be? But to say such a blanket statement like that seems a little presumptuous. When I was in college, procrastinating starting many papers to the night before they’re due, resulting in pulling an all-nighter, was not a trauma response but rather the result of a misaligned value structure; I valued spending time with my friends rather than buckling down and writing a paper. Procrastination for most of us, is something so natural (the avoidance of pain/discomfort) and where it could be a trauma response depends on the context of the situation. But that’s my point, to label something as traumatic I believe deserves specifics and a well thought out exploration of the proverbial landscape. When we make the term too general and broad, it becomes meaningless.

It’s important to use caution when using the label “trauma”. If “trauma” is defined as anything that goes beyond our ability to cope with (as I have recently had it presented to me as such by other colleagues), then we run into the “your truth” problem (getting further away from what actually IS because of endless interpretations of “my/your/their truth”). How many times have I heard “I can’t take it anymore”. Can we really not take it anymore? Or do we convince ourselves as such? Do we undercut our ability to “cope” because of a label we have subjectively decided by ourselves as being true? I believe more often than not, we do. 

Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s not about telling someone else that what they’ve been through isn’t as bad but more about telling yourself. It’s also not an invitation to discredit what you may be going through but rather an invitation to take perspective on what you are going through so that you can find in your pain a stronger inner belief; a belief stronger than the pain that you can use to not only endure but to endure it meaningfully. You are bigger than your pain.

Comparison (like judgment) can get a bad wrap. We have these emotions and cognitive abilities for a reason and just like anything, they can be used wisely or misused foolishly. Comparing what you’ve been through vs someone else can be helpful (see ourselves as capable of handling what we’re going through) or it can be harmful (jockeying for the “top spot” of the one ultimately the most victimized in an attempt to justify our behaviors, our virtue, elevate our status/credibility, etc.). 

As referenced just above, a risk in comparing what you are going through to others is the invalidation of your pain. That is not the goal. The goal is to: Yes, accept that what you are going through is hard but to also accept that others have been through hard things as well (maybe harder), have gotten through it, and you can too!

I have found in my practice that I never have to encourage my clients to take that perspective directly. Once they are validated and seen in their pain, they start to take perspective and wisely compare their pain to others on their own. Then, subsequently, their vision widens and they see not only a path out of their suffering or their metaphorical dark cave, but also things that now, in the present, they have to be grateful for. Once we validate our own pain (man, this really sucks), and to accept that it sucks vs judging it, our mind is free to take in perspective, use comparison wisely, and hopefully find meaning in what we are going through. But this has to be a personal choice. To have others tell you (like a know it all therapist on a blog) to compare your pain to others in the moment doesn’t work. This is more of a personal tool to be used once we have shown ourselves the proper care to see the hurt, see the difficulty, and to acknowledge it. Teddy Roosevelt said that “No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care”.

I fully recognize that the subject of trauma can be complex and difficult to navigate. Hopefully I have presented some things to consider before we go around labeling everything as “trauma”. I call upon those in my industry to please use caution before calling someone’s pain or difficult circumstances “trauma” because if you recognize anything as trauma while that can be validating to some, it can be invalidating to others. Just imagine for a second: Are you really going to feel good, honest, and solid about yourself claiming/believing you are traumatized because you went through a bad break up, or a teacher yelled at you in grade school all year while you stand next to a first responder of 9/11 and or a survivor of the holocaust? Or, would you at least pause a moment and think about what you’re about to say? Would you at least take a second and wonder if you truly are traumatized? That pause, brought on by a wise and cautious comparison of someone else’s pain to yours, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you don’t feel your pain to be a fair comparison to the hypothetical examples above, that may mean something about your pain: Not that you’re a terrible person or a wimp because you’re struggling, but that you are stronger than you think. That with some perspective, you can still find what you, internally and externally, DO have that will allow you to get through your current struggles. 

Acceptance and recognition followed by proper perspective, helps us to make healthier choices that can free us from prolonged needless suffering. Pain can be so isolating - that’s why by first validating our pain, followed by a broadening of our horizons/perspectives, we can potentially see that our pain does not have to be all consuming of our identity and story.