The Unpopular Truth About Compassion

Compassion is not compassion without wisdom or consequences. Compassion is presently being conflated with giving an unchained subjective moral license to do as you please. To be compassionate is to do nothing but affirm, affirm, affirm. But if we affirm without wisdom or boundaries - we most likely lead those we love to more harm and problems. Many historical atrocities have been done to those in the name of “compassion” - the road to hell is paved with good intentions as they say.

I do not align with Nietzsche on many aspects of his philosophy but when it comes to compassion and what that truly means, I agree. He says, “But if you have a suffering friend, be a resting place for his suffering, but a hard bed, as it were…: thus will you profit him best.”

What Nietzsche is saying there is to provide as much relief as is needed until that person can get up and continue on their way. We can’t make things too comfortable or else they’ll never leave. If they don’t leave, that doesn’t profit the version of themselves that they could be! This is a tricky balance to strike, but it is vital to the growth of our loved ones and our children. How irresponsibly toxic for us to provide too “soft of a bed” to those we love. It invariably leads to the weakening of their legs and back to bear the weight of their proverbial crosses in life. 

I’ve worked with many addicts that have said that the best thing for them was when someone that truly cared for them told them not what they wanted to hear, but what they needed to hear.  To tell someone what they need to hear is providing that “hard bed” that Nietzsche described. 

But how do you know what will truly be helpful? How do you know what that thing is that the other needs to hear? Hard to say. But to pause and practice wisdom is necessary. To ask, what does this action/message give to the other person? Or, does this “compassion” do something for me?  Does this provide a clearer path to true and lasting peace in their life? Is what I’m about to say hopefully going to lead to the growth of their soul? These are good questions to ask oneself when trying to strike that aforementioned “tricky balance” of soft but not too soft. 

A good formula to keep in mind is one that I have used throughout the years of practicing therapy (especially with adolescents) - 

Compassion = boundaries + attunement*

*Boundaries - what is okay/what is not okay based on tried and true classical principles of behavior

*Attunement - empathizing with someone’s emotions and what they are going through.

Allowing others, in the name of compassion, to act in misalignment with good tried and true principles, harms them. It’s not compassion. It’s cowardly niceness. But to only come down as a hammer is not compassionate either. We must express empathy for the difficulty someone faces in living according to principles or boundaries set. Also, we must express empathy for the challenges that people face of no fault of their own. However, that empathy must be paired with an expectation of responsibility to endure our afflictions in alignment with a set of values. 

This is important: There are times that when one acts in misalignment with values, growth occurs. This is natural and part of the process in all of our lives. The key word however is growth. If what someone is doing is resulting in growth or evolving towards a better life free from needless suffering then great! In contrast, if the choices of someone you know are keeping them in a stagnant, repetitive feedback loop of needless suffering, then it may be time to provide that “hard bed”.

A word of caution: Understand your limits of influence. You can say and point something out but it is still their choice to help themselves or to follow your words of counsel.  But you have at least done your part. Their autonomy (context dependent, e.g. you can respect an adult’s autonomy more than say a child or minor under your care) will need to be honored or else it then becomes your victory and not theirs. 

While it is wise to understand and recognize your limitations of influence and wisdom, it is foolish and sad to believe you have nothing to offer. When offering that “hard bed” - are we presuming we know better than them? Perhaps. But to constantly assume we don’t know what is good for someone can be just as, if not more harmful. Once again, there is value at times to leave those we love alone to make their way through life. To know when to involve yourself or to remove yourself (the “tricky balance”) requires patience and the wise questions previously mentioned.

I’ll end with this - Sorry, the kids/teens are not in charge. Purely psychologically speaking, it says in the New Testament that to enter the kingdom of heaven one must be like unto a child; note how it encourages us to be like a child but NOT to be childish. To let a child or a loved one make life altering decisions beyond their capacity to understand the consequences of those decisions, leads them to more suffering: all while you sit back in the name of “compassion”. This is not only childish but dangerous and weak. It’s not about going around telling everyone what to do - but giving people the space to “live their truth” leads to a loss of tradition and values which ends with more depression and anxiety. Why? Because what’s more anxious and depressing than trying to figure out how to navigate this world from scratch on your own?! No limitations set = limitless options = heightened anxiety.

Matthew 15:14 says, “Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.”

Do not willingly blind yourself to the hard things or to hard conversations with loved ones. If we do, the blind attempt to lead themselves. And they will lead themselves…right off a cliff….all because of your “compassion”. Yes, you may not know everything, but you don’t know nothing! There are the blind that need our help. Perhaps you’ve learned some hard truths along the way that have given you a broader vision. Do not be afraid to share it. It may be the most compassionate thing you will ever do.

Citations - Thus Spake Zarathustra - F. Nietzsche

      The New Testament - KJV Bible